Year 28 – I just want to be a wildflower

28. That’s the birthday I just had, and it was hard. My birthdays have been hard the last couple years. No, it’s not an age thing or a feeling of getting old. It’s really been more of a grieving process of what I thought should have been. Where are my fellow planners at?! Now, where are my fellow planners at that have melt downs and panic attacks when things do not go as they had planned?! So if you are the latter with me you can probably relate to some rough birthdays or any other significant date. However as a friend said to me, this is your transformation year. So I’m claiming that.

One thing about transformation is that it’s hard. The definition itself is “dramatic change”. I do dramatic really well, but I do not do change. Year 27 was rough. It resulted in taking on more than I can handle, pushing myself through situations that I didn’t need to, feeling constantly responsible for things or people that are not my responsibility, lots of change in my environment, and lots of anxiety and panic. All this lead to me sobbing uncontrollably for weeks in December and my body became physically ill with responsibility and anxiety. I had reached my limit. When I found myself sobbing in the chip aisle at Winco because I couldn’t find the pretzels I wanted, I decided it was time for actual help.

Now where are my enneagram fans at? (If you are not familiar with the enneagram this next section will not make sense. You also should get familiar with the enneagram if you are not.) I’m an 8. Which means that sobbing uncontrollably and specifically crying in the chip aisle at Winco is one of your absolute worst nightmares. Your next worst nightmare is having to TELL people that you need help. When I went to the doctor she of course asked me if I had any suicidal or self harm thoughts. I responded by telling her, “this appointment makes me want to die”. To which I do not think she found funny at all. The next nightmare is reaching out to a counselor and going and talking about all the vulnerable things in my life for an hour every week. The worst nightmare of them all might just be that I’m PAYING someone to force me to be VULNERABLE. Which in case you haven’t caught on, vulnerability is an enneagram 8s worst fear. I really would like a poll of how many 8s are in counseling because there really can’t be that many of us.

This is the year of transformation.

“Wildflowers- I envy them.

They’re brave.

Seeds cast by the wind to

land where they may,

they stay

and hold

against most hot, most cold.

They persevere, roots shallow

yet fierce and free.

They epitomize to me

all that I sometimes

yearn to be.”

-Julie Andrews

I had this painted for me for my birthday. It’s one of my favorite quotes and it keeps changing its meaning with every season of life. I have a tattoo inspired by it and at the time of getting my tattoo it represented to me freedom. It represented beautiful things blossoming out of hard times. Now when I read it, I’m stuck on the part about seeds just being tossed by the wind. They don’t get to pick where they are going. They land somewhere foreign, maybe scary, and they persevere. That is what I want to be. I want to be brave enough to let God “cast my seed” where I need to be in this current season of life. And I want to BLOSSOM in it. I want to learn that it’s okay to hang on to 18 year old Mikayla’s dreams but I also want to learn that new dreams are okay too. That change is okay. That embracing where my seed has been casted can be freeing.

On my 28th birthday I drove to the neighborhood Walmart to buy myself a slice of birthday cake. I love my neighborhood Walmart. It’s small and easy for me to navigate. Me and grocery stores have issues. So many issues that I usually have to buy a donut for myself at the end of every trip because it is literally that emotionally exhausting for me. I walked into my neighborhood Walmart, grabbed my birthday cake and then decided to do a little grocery shopping while I was there. As I started walking the aisles tears started to form at my eyes. THEY RE-DID THE WHOLE WALMART. Literally, WHO DOES THIS?! Do they not know there are people out there who cannot emotionally handle this!!!!!! Suddenly nothing was where I’ve known it to be. I stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and took time to ground myself. (This is also a fun thing I’m noticing with age, you just really stop caring what people think.) I proceeded to finish my grocery shopping without a single tear falling. And that folks is my PSA on what paying a crap ton of money for your mental health every week can do.

But, in all seriousness I think it was a sign. I can do this. I can become better. I can grow where I am planted. Not just grow, I can blossom like the wildflowers. Change does not have to knock me off my feet. And at the same time I can set boundaries for myself. If I would have started crying, oh well, I have permission to LEAVE the grocery store. (Why has that never crossed my mind) I can say yes to the things and people that help this transformation and I can be empowered to say no to the things and people that stunt it.

year 28 – I just want to be a wildflower